Came home last evening. Extremely intense experience. Finally got to my place on the couch and was just overwhelmed with emotion. It took me a few minutes to finally say to Christy, “Here I am, back here, after all these days and all this work, and I feel exactly the same as when I left.” That is sobering to say the least. Then had an okay evening and jumped out of bed this morning at 6, (yes, jumped — in a frail, limpy, gimpy, not-really-jumping-but-kind-of-clawing way) made my own breakfast, got myself ready for the day, then went back to sleep for two hours. It’s truly second by second right now, with a lot of very low lows punctuated by small victories that I have to allow myself to celebrate even when they seem stupid.
Often I feel like an invalid – someone who is not valid. I keep having habitual flashes of my life two weeks ago and how far I have fallen. I can do nothing to stem this tide, but I must choose constantly not to dwell there. Wherever we are on the journey is okay at any given time, part of our experience of blessedness and suffering, but we don’t want to get too bogged down, lest we miss whatever is ahead for us along the way. Ever forward, whether into more difficulty, trial, ecstasy, etc. All is grace.