• David Flowers

Six Ways Women Often Go Wrong in Relationships

Updated: Jan 27

Very generally speaking, women are usually better at relationships than men. Women are usually more interested in relationships, and generally have a more evolved capacity for deep connection than most men. But it's not just men who do and say hurtful things in relationships. Women have their own ways of going wrong.

1. Being critical.

When women get into a relationship, they often think it's going to be a deep connection, like they have with their girlfriends, only with a guy. Usually they end up disappointed. He often isn't really into talking about relationship stuff. Women tend to find this frustrating, and often end up feeling alone. Feeling alone, when they are in a relationship, often makes them angry. And when a woman gets angry with a man, he might find himself in over his head.

Women tend to be more skilled verbally than men, better able to communicate about feelings. And when they are frustrated or upset with a man, they can say things that damage his often fragile ego. Their intention usually isn't to be hurtful, they're just trying to get his attention. But can be wounded deeply by these verbal slights, and he dreads and fears them, so he may avoid engaging with her. Which makes her more angry.

If this describes you, it is important to lighten up. If you do, he may still not engage with you, but if you don't, he almost definitely won't engage.

2. Not realizing how easily you can hurt him.

Men can come off very tough, and they can be, but your man likely has a very soft spot when it comes to you. Most men want their wives to be happy, see it as their responsibility to make them happy, and feel like failures when they seem to not be happy. When you make fun of his weight, or take swipes at him about the way he dresses, snip at him when you're in a bad mood, or become verbally sharp when you're upset that he isn't talking to you, he can find this really hurtful. And on top of that, it means you're not happy, so he feels like a failure too.

3. Talking about him too much to your girlfriends.

I know they're your friends, and you need to be able to talk to them, but be careful. Find one or two close girlfriends you can talk to who can handle hearing bad things about your husband but won't hate him for it, and limit the talking to just them. He shouldn't have to always wonder what you're telling your friends about him. Other than those moments of honesty with one or two close friends, always speak respectfully of him in public. If you want him to open up to you more, you need to seem safe for him to talk to. If he knows you're constantly talking about him to your friends, he definitely won't consider you a safe person.

4. This goes double for social media.

Never say anything negative about your man on social media. It's like talking to all your friends about him, only instead of it being all your friends, it's the entire world. He finds this hurtful and humiliating. It certainly doesn't make him want to open up to you.

5. Not realizing he experiences love through sex

If your man loves you, it's likely he never feels that more strongly than when the two of you are having sex. Because men are often not very descriptive of their emotions, their women may know they like/want sex, but may not understand how meaningful this is to their man on an emotional level.

When a woman doesn't understand how meaningful sex is to him, she may mistakenly think sex is the only thing he wants from her. This can make her feel objectified or even bitter or resentful. Those feelings can lead her to say things to him that are deeply hurtful (see #2).

6. Assuming that if he's not doing what you want him to do, it's because he doesn't love you.

Men often say women are hard to understand, but a woman's relationship math is usually pretty simple.

a. "I've told him what I need from him a hundred times." (More hugs and kisses, better listening, not trying to fix you, little gifts that say he's thinking of you, etc.)

b. "He's still not doing what I need him to do."

c. "It must be because he doesn't care."

I know this feels like it must be true, but it's usually not. Usually the truth has little to do with you and a lot to do with his own worries and insecurities. Oftentimes it's at least partly because he thinks so differently than you do, and if you don't seem angry at any given time, he thinks things are okay. It can also be because even though you think you've "told him" a hundred times, he has never understood you clearly.

In my next post, I want to talk about how it is that a woman can feel like she has told a man over and over what she needs, and he still might not get it. I'll also give some ideas on what a woman can do about this.


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